I like to think of myself as having several positive qualities that I am truly pleased to claim as my own, procrastination is not one of them. I have had this habit, like so many others, of putting things off until the last possible moment. This week is a key example. Not only have I waited until the week before my sister's baby shower to finalize all the decorations, food menus, games and respective prizes, and all the other extraneous details that come with hosting a baby shower, but I have also made it a week for many other last minute duties. I leave this Sunday to go back to Nacogdoches and I still have yet to finish any of my officer duties and reports for my honors organization and on top of that I have yet to finish making my best friends baby shower invitations that must be sent out before I leave town. If that isn't bad enough I still have everyday chores to do like laundry, packing up my months worth of spread out mess at both my parents and boyfriends house and find time to do whatever remaining errands that are necessary before returning to my cozy apartment 3 hours from here.
However, amidst all this hustle and bustle that is my procrastinations sweet punishment, I am remembering why I loved being so busy with school. One thing I have learned about myself over these last few years is that when I'm busy, I don't have much time to dwell on my thoughts or worries. You see everyone thinks I'm crazy, that I overload myself with too many organizations, a job, a full load of classes, and a major that fills my time with projects and constant assignments, but the truth is that I think its healthy for me in my own weird way. Instead of working out, dancing, hanging out with friends, or playing sports, I fill my time with chores, errands, homework, and whatever other innumerable tasks I can fill my day up with to keep my mind and soul in shape. Odd or not, I think that staying busy is my own personal way of stress relief.
Then again, you could say that it is also detrimental to my mental and emotional health because instead of facing my issues head on, I chose to hide behind my daily routine of go, go, go. In fact, I might even have a hard time arguing that fact with you. Maybe that is why when I come home over these long breaks like Christmas and summer I don't know what to do with this sudden onset of emotions that I'm not used to having to face. Either way though, whether I'm avoiding them or secretly soothing them in some weird way I know for sure I need to find a productive outlet for my emotions and stresses. Since I can no longer dance, due to an injury I occurred in high school, this is my next best shot. So 3 posts in and I'm feeling better already, lets see where I am in a month. February 11, 2011 I will look back to where I am today and hopefully will see a few steps of improvement and then we'll take it a few more steps, a few more after that and on until I've finally mastered this puzzle of my emotions. :)
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
A Weekend Away
When I made my decision on New Years to start this blog so as to have an outlet for all my emotional insights and questions, my original intention was to have a routine writing session at least every other day. Seeing as the first post was originally written the morning of New Years Day, it has now been not a week, but 9 days since I have last written about the emotions and avenues I've been traveling down in my mind and heart. So now, I'm making the time to go over some of the things I've learned, experienced, and discovered in the past 9 days I haven't written.
The beginning of the year was much like any other. I spent time cleaning out some of the cobwebs of my mind and heart trying to figure out what I accomplished in 2010. Not only that but as I started sweeping away the cobwebs and dirty that had become so comfortable on the crates of my memories and experienced from 2010, I started trying to figure out what I could do differently. The funny thing is I do this every year. I look at the past year and try to make a difference in the new one. The funny thing about us human beings though is that we seem to only do this about once every year, for most people right around New Years. For others, it might occur on their birthdays each year since it is a stepping stone to a new chapter in their life, or others might have other times of the year that hold significance and make them do the same respectively. However, I have come to believe, that whenever it may be, New Years or otherwise, that we don't go back later in the year and analyze what we've done thus far. With this is mind one of the first things I've decided to do with this blog is make it a priority to go back just as much as I try to move forward. To reward myself for the accomplishments I have made and continue to set new goals along the way.
On another note, one more realistic than psychological, I really feel like I might have learned something about myself this weekend. One thing that has always been apart of me since I grew up was my church camp. Ever since about the 2nd grade I have gone to Gonzales, Texas for church camp over the summer. However, until about 4 years ago there were no activities available to our church group (Disciples of Christ Coastal Plains Area) for young adults, also known as people older than 18. In recent years however a small group of people worked hard to get something started for young adults like myself who wanted to continue to return to Gonzo as we call it to have spiritual experiences and to keep up with their church camp family. So every January we have one weekend when we all get to return. This past weekend was such.
I had the best time, I do believe, that I have had there in many years since I first ventured to Gonzo. For the first time I took my boyfriend, Sam, with me in hopes that he would get a change to be close to God and also find some peace for himself in the place that had brought me so much comfort and level-mindedness throughout so many struggles and hard times. Luckily, not only did I feel happy and balanced for the first time in over a year, but I could tell, even though he wouldn't admit it till we left, that Sam was truly relaxed and enjoying himself and the people around him. It was truly uplifting to see him react to my church camp friends as they joked with him and tried to feel him out without pushing his buttons too hard. This only made my weekend better. I had already started feeling better due to the pure peacefulness that exists at Gonzo, but being able to share it with someone who I love made it just that much better.
Throughout the weekend we were asked to look at how we let our personal light shine in the world, not only by what we say and do to those around us but by the things we say on our facebooks, by the faces we make at others in school or other public places, by the way we talk to those who are less fortunate or in need of advice, and in everything we do down to the smallest gesture or word. It made me think alot about my life and made me wonder if I had ever shown light on those around me. I believe, and hope, that I have but only time will tell. I want to work even harder to let me shine in a positive way and to learn to minimize the negativity and pessimism in my life and how much I put off on others.
There is so much more I could go into, but I think I'll save it for another day, all I know is that I want to let my light shine the way God intended me to and shine it as brightly and warmly as possible so that those around me can bask in it and pass it on.
The beginning of the year was much like any other. I spent time cleaning out some of the cobwebs of my mind and heart trying to figure out what I accomplished in 2010. Not only that but as I started sweeping away the cobwebs and dirty that had become so comfortable on the crates of my memories and experienced from 2010, I started trying to figure out what I could do differently. The funny thing is I do this every year. I look at the past year and try to make a difference in the new one. The funny thing about us human beings though is that we seem to only do this about once every year, for most people right around New Years. For others, it might occur on their birthdays each year since it is a stepping stone to a new chapter in their life, or others might have other times of the year that hold significance and make them do the same respectively. However, I have come to believe, that whenever it may be, New Years or otherwise, that we don't go back later in the year and analyze what we've done thus far. With this is mind one of the first things I've decided to do with this blog is make it a priority to go back just as much as I try to move forward. To reward myself for the accomplishments I have made and continue to set new goals along the way.
On another note, one more realistic than psychological, I really feel like I might have learned something about myself this weekend. One thing that has always been apart of me since I grew up was my church camp. Ever since about the 2nd grade I have gone to Gonzales, Texas for church camp over the summer. However, until about 4 years ago there were no activities available to our church group (Disciples of Christ Coastal Plains Area) for young adults, also known as people older than 18. In recent years however a small group of people worked hard to get something started for young adults like myself who wanted to continue to return to Gonzo as we call it to have spiritual experiences and to keep up with their church camp family. So every January we have one weekend when we all get to return. This past weekend was such.
I had the best time, I do believe, that I have had there in many years since I first ventured to Gonzo. For the first time I took my boyfriend, Sam, with me in hopes that he would get a change to be close to God and also find some peace for himself in the place that had brought me so much comfort and level-mindedness throughout so many struggles and hard times. Luckily, not only did I feel happy and balanced for the first time in over a year, but I could tell, even though he wouldn't admit it till we left, that Sam was truly relaxed and enjoying himself and the people around him. It was truly uplifting to see him react to my church camp friends as they joked with him and tried to feel him out without pushing his buttons too hard. This only made my weekend better. I had already started feeling better due to the pure peacefulness that exists at Gonzo, but being able to share it with someone who I love made it just that much better.
Throughout the weekend we were asked to look at how we let our personal light shine in the world, not only by what we say and do to those around us but by the things we say on our facebooks, by the faces we make at others in school or other public places, by the way we talk to those who are less fortunate or in need of advice, and in everything we do down to the smallest gesture or word. It made me think alot about my life and made me wonder if I had ever shown light on those around me. I believe, and hope, that I have but only time will tell. I want to work even harder to let me shine in a positive way and to learn to minimize the negativity and pessimism in my life and how much I put off on others.
There is so much more I could go into, but I think I'll save it for another day, all I know is that I want to let my light shine the way God intended me to and shine it as brightly and warmly as possible so that those around me can bask in it and pass it on.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
2011, So it Begins.
Hello 2011,
So I know this may seem crazy, but considering the fact that I've never been able to keep a promise to myself by just saying it, I'm trying soemhting new. I've always been better about writing out how I feel than saying it, so why not try right? All I know, is that while everyone else is making New Years Resolutions to lose weight, eat better, get a better job, etc and so on, I am here only wishing to understand and decode myself.
I'm almost 20 now, and to alot of poeple that is still very young, but when I sit and look at my life and all the trials, tribulations, and outright challenges I've faced, I'm basically 40 emotionally. So I have to ask myself, is this why I seemingly cannot let go and comprehend my own actions and learn how to truly understand my own emotions? I dont know. Maybe it is what someone dear to me once said, maybe Im just too scared, because for some reason unbenounced to me, I really have been scared most of my life. Scared of disappointing those I love, scared of losing my father, scared of being an outcast, scared of not being loved in return, just flat out scared. I dont know.
Basically New Year, all I want is to be able to open up my soul and put together my puzzle of emotions so I can truly be myself. I don't want to be scared anymore. I want to bungee jump off the tallest bridge of life with confidence that when it is all over, I'll be elated and filled with the satisfaction of all my experiences along the way. No more negativity and saying, "I don't know". I want to live happily beside those who love me enough to be honest and open to my mishaps and character flaws. They see so much in me that I know is real and that I could be. I want to be that person. So instead of making a traditional New Years Resolution, I'm making a promise to myself and to those who love me.
THIS YEAR I WILL TAKE ON MY EMOTIONS, LEARN THEM AND CONQUER THEM!
I WILL BE HAPPY!!
So I know this may seem crazy, but considering the fact that I've never been able to keep a promise to myself by just saying it, I'm trying soemhting new. I've always been better about writing out how I feel than saying it, so why not try right? All I know, is that while everyone else is making New Years Resolutions to lose weight, eat better, get a better job, etc and so on, I am here only wishing to understand and decode myself.
I'm almost 20 now, and to alot of poeple that is still very young, but when I sit and look at my life and all the trials, tribulations, and outright challenges I've faced, I'm basically 40 emotionally. So I have to ask myself, is this why I seemingly cannot let go and comprehend my own actions and learn how to truly understand my own emotions? I dont know. Maybe it is what someone dear to me once said, maybe Im just too scared, because for some reason unbenounced to me, I really have been scared most of my life. Scared of disappointing those I love, scared of losing my father, scared of being an outcast, scared of not being loved in return, just flat out scared. I dont know.
Basically New Year, all I want is to be able to open up my soul and put together my puzzle of emotions so I can truly be myself. I don't want to be scared anymore. I want to bungee jump off the tallest bridge of life with confidence that when it is all over, I'll be elated and filled with the satisfaction of all my experiences along the way. No more negativity and saying, "I don't know". I want to live happily beside those who love me enough to be honest and open to my mishaps and character flaws. They see so much in me that I know is real and that I could be. I want to be that person. So instead of making a traditional New Years Resolution, I'm making a promise to myself and to those who love me.
THIS YEAR I WILL TAKE ON MY EMOTIONS, LEARN THEM AND CONQUER THEM!
I WILL BE HAPPY!!
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